#38: Branded to Kill
Good morning, bbs!
Can I tell you what to do just one time? Make this Green Curry Lentil Soup while listening to an episode of You’re Wrong About.
I did that this week and for like 45 minutes I forgot it was the one year anniversary of when Josh came home sick from work with Corona before any cases had even been reported in our county (he got it from Sturgill Simpson, actually) and he slept and coughed for two weeks while I tried (and failed, many times) to get him tested and then oh wow all of a sudden I couldn’t taste the garlic in a pasta that contained an entire head of garlic and I thought I had a sinus infection and even two, three, six months later, I couldn’t imagine what a year could be like. But then again, can we ever?
That’s all to say, a very good recipe and podcast can have a lot of power if you let them.
Let them!
#38: Branded to Kill
Director: Seijun Suzuki
Country: Japan
Year: 1967
Runtime: 91 minutes
Language: Japanese
**As always, this post contains spoilers**
CW: domestic abuse, murder, violence, suicidal ideation
Y’all, I think I have a new soapbox: movies should never be longer than 90 minutes. It is the perfect amount of time to ingest a story. There’s a reason rollercoasters are less than 2 minutes long—that’s the amount of time they take! Movies take 90 minutes!
Except Titanic. We should have to slog through that one for however long it takes. (Read: I am still emotionally slogging through Titanic.)
A man named Hanada (Joe Shishido) and his wife, Mami (Mariko Ogawa) are picked up at the Tokyo airport by a man named Kasuga (Hiroshi Minami). When I saw Mami, I shouted, LOOK AT HER. Because look at her! How cool does this person look?
![](https://substackcdn.com/image/fetch/w_1456,c_limit,f_auto,q_auto:good,fl_progressive:steep/https%3A%2F%2Fbucketeer-e05bbc84-baa3-437e-9518-adb32be77984.s3.amazonaws.com%2Fpublic%2Fimages%2Ff75f484c-b020-4f13-8e08-dfe2de512a84_2840x1198.png)
They go to a bar where Kasuga, a former yakuza hitman turned cab driver, asks Hanada, a current yakuza hitman, to do a job with him that will pay 5 million yen. It’s sort of Kasuga’s coming-out-of-retirement gig. Hanada agrees and then asks the bartender to boil some rice.
“He likes the smell of boiling rice more than anything,” Mami says. I’m not gonna spoil it for you, but this is somehow an understatement.
The two men go to a club owned by Yabuhara (Isao Tamagawa), the yakuza boss. He explains the job and gives the men half the money up front (in a suitcase, of course). Basically, Hanada and Kasuga will be driving a client to Nagano. SOUNDS SIMPLE ENOUGH.
When they pick up the escort vehicle, there’s a dead man in the back. Thus begins one of my favorite conversations of all time. They speculate about who may have killed this man, with a heavy emphasis on rankings of killers. Could it have been the #4 ranked killer, Koh? Who is the #2 killer? What about #1? The identity of the #1 killer is a mystery.
So I don’t know much about the yakuza, but is this a real thing? Are there rankings? How are they ranked? What is the criteria? Is there a Billboard Top 100-type list that is updated weekly? How and why is the #1 killer a secret? I have not stopped thinking about this.
It turns out our protagonist, Hanada, is the #3 killer. And after Kasuga gets extremely wasted and emotional in the car, we learn that he also used to be a high ranked hitman, but now he’s lost his rank because of his drinking.
They dump the body in a river and pick up the anonymous client.
They turn down a road and are ambushed by some dudes in another car. Hanada gets out of the car and runs up on top of a hill to take cover and shoot. Kasuga, who should be protecting the client, goes after one of the guys and they shoot each other. Kasuga, who appears to be having a cinematic “mental breakdown” (he’s foaming at the mouth) does some dancing/flailing not dissimilar to when Ashlee Simpson got caught lip syncing on SNL while Hanada looks on, embarrassed (not dissimilar to the millions watching Ashlee Simpson get caught lip syncing).
The guy who shot Kasuga emerges and it’s revealed to be Koh, the #4 ranked killer. They shoot each other at very close range and Kasuga dies. As Hanada runs back to the car to check on their client, he hears 3 gun shots. He follows the sound and is shocked to find that the man he’s escorting has cleanly killed three men.
They hit the road and are again ambushed by two men on foot. It takes longer than you’d think, but Hanada eventually runs them over instead of just dodging the bullets.
They arrive at a building where there’s ANOTHER top-ranked hitman named Sakura. Hanada gets out of the car and with a can of gasoline, sets the guy on fire. Sakura, currently ON FIRE, runs at the client in the car and the client shoots him dead right through the forehead.
And to answer your question about why this is happening: it’s gang stuff. You wouldn’t understand.
Hanada eventually delivers the client safely to Nagano. On his way home, his car breaks down. He’s picked up by a woman driving a convertible, with the top down, in the rain. Her name is Misako (Annu Mari) and when Hanada asks her if she is married, she replies, “I hate men.” lolll
He replies, “Then you have no hope.”
“My hope is to die,” she says.
Hanging from her rearview mirror is a dead bird with a nail through its neck.
Back at home, Hanada sniffs boiling rice which gets him TURNT and has sex with his wife. She calls him crazy, he slaps her and calls her a bitch, and whether or not she is into this is UNCLEAR.
They then partake in what Josh called “horny hide and seek or something,” which is VERY accurate. He cradles the rice cooker while it cooks and they have sex again. I am not here to kink-shame anyone but seeing as boiled rice is a staple of the Japanese diet, I can imagine this would be a truly wild fetish to have as a Japanese person.
Yabuhara hires Hanada to kill 4 more men. He snipes the first through a billboard, which is very visually cool.
In a locker, he is provided the name and occupation of the next one: an optometrist. He snipes this guy UP through a sink drain pipe as he’s washing off a fake eyeball that he very B-movie graphically removed from a patient’s face.
The third is such chaos I don’t even know what happens, but he kills a bunch of dudes in an office building.
When he gets home, Hanada’s wife, who is totally nude except for a fur coat, accuses him of talking to other women. He slaps her and locks her in a room.
Misako, the woman from the rain with the death wish, shows up at Hanada’s house and hires him to kill a foreigner. He says no thank you and she says but you already heard the plan so you can’t refuse and he says hmmm you’re right.
Unfortunately, while he’s trying to snipe the guy, a butterfly lands on his scope and he kills a bystander instead. Whoopsy-daisy!
Misako tells him the worst news a yakuza can ever hear: he’s LOST HIS RANK and will be killed. Again, this logic makes sense to him. “Kill or be killed,” he ponders.
His perennially naked wife greets him at home. He starts to make a phone call (with his toes). As he’s waiting for it to ring, she shoots him, sets the house on fire, and runs out of the house still nude.
But! his belt buckle stopped the bullet. This is why you always wear belt buckles. Man, remember belts? (Wowowowo Ashlee Simpson is really showing UP here today)
Hanada escapes the fire and runs to what turns out to be Misako’s (deathwish girl) house. He collapses and says he wants hot boiled rice. Honestly, same, but for different reasons.
Misako’s apartment is amazing in that I ~*~personally~*~ could never live amongst an entire wall of dead, pinned butterflies but also I respect the vibe.
Hanada tries to seduce her, which she initially seems open to, but she shoots him, which he dodges.
He tells her that he will kill her, which is all she wants. They have sex but he realizes he’s in love with her and can’t kill her. She leaves and comes back with a rifle to kill him, but he’s again able to escape.
He leaves, very upset and confused. I mean...what a day. He is so confused that he passes out on the side of the road. For some reasons, when he wakes up, he heads to Yabuhara’s (his boss) club, where he finds his wife, Mami. She kisses him in the dark, thinking he’s Yabuhara, but faints when she realizes it’s Hanada and he’s not dead. She has a *bit* of a meltdown and says A LOT of things.
While Hanada hides in the dark and she begs him not to kill her, she confesses that she was ordered to kill him and that the three men Yabuhara recently ordered him to kill were part of a drug smuggling ring. The fourth, the foreigner he failed to kill, was the investigator. She wasn’t supposed to tell him ANY of this, of course, but thinks it will keep him from killing her.
Later, she tries to seduce him but he shoots and kills her. RIP Mami. I loved you at first sight.
Hanada waits in the dark, with a gun and some whiskey, for Yabuhara to come home. Makes sense! He told Mami to kill him so this is the next correct step. But when he opens the door, Yabuhara falls in, having been shot in the forehead already.
Hanada goes to Misako’s apartment where he finds a projector running that shows a video of Misako naked and bound. Two men ask her why she didn’t kill Hanada. They light her on fire and it has a sort of Joan of Arc feel?
She doesn’t respond to any of their questions, but as Hanada yells at the screen to tell him where she is, she only says, “I love you.” A man on the video tells him to meet them at the water, where Hanada is to be killed.
He waits at a bar nearby. He gets a call and the person on the other end, also obsessed with this ranking system asks, “Who is number one?”
Hanada arrives, hiding and crawling under a car he slowly guides with a rope as he’s shot at along a breakwater/pier.
In a series of very impressive moves, Hanada kills all of the killers.
He is positively giddy, yelling “I am alive! I wasn’t killed!” Which...is there more to say?
As he leaves, he runs into...are you ready...the #1 killer! And the #1 killer is the client from the beginning of the movie! Number One says he will kill Hanada but that “I'll repay my debt by warning you that I will kill you.”
Number One also gives Hanada a ride home, which is sweet. Number One tells him he killed Yabuhara and when Hanada asks why, he just says “things happen,” which could be the tagline for this movie. They drive Hanada to Misako's empty house and Number One tells him, “don’t turn your back on me if you want to stay alive.”
Honestly, if it were me: just kill me. As a general rule, I hate surprises and this sounds like probably the worst surprise, so just get it over with.
From here on out, Number One absolutely tortures Hanada with suspense. He calls and tells him not to leave his apartment and tells him what he’s doing at all times, proving that he’s watching him.
Hanada starts to unravel, of course. He hides in the bathroom, only eats rice, and is drinking a lotttt. He ties a rope around his neck that is attached to the ceiling so if he falls asleep, he’s choked awake.
Hanada finally gets the courage to leave the apartment once to go to a restaurant. When he returns, he finds Number One there with the intent of moving in. Number One tells him that he needs time to think about how to kill him. Soooo this is now a sitcom.
They make a pact to sleep at the same time with one of their hands tied to the bed and their guns out of reach. Number One takes it a step further by sleeping with his eyes open, which I guess has to be part of the criteria of being #1, right??
They are constantly reaching for their guns thinking the other one is about to shoot. They also walk arm in arm to the bathroom and to answer the door.
They eventually agree to go out to eat. They leave their guns at home and walk arm in arm there, too.
Josh says, “I want to eat rice in a restaurant.” Which is so bizarre, so sweet, so sad, so true. Ugh fuck this year!!
When Number One gets up to go to the bathroom, Hanada freaks out and kicks down the door. He hallucinates a killer in the bathroom, but can’t find Number One anywhere.
When he gets back to the apartment, Hanada finds a note from Number One that basically says, meet me at the gym. If you don’t come, you’re a coward. He has also left another projector film that says Misako is still alive.
Hanada contemplates, “Why can’t I be #1? I’m going to be #1!” It seems like Hanada has his groove back!
He arrives at the gym which is, of course, completely dark and is a gym for what looks to be boxing? There is a ring and a bunch of theater seats.
There is no sign of Number One anywhere as the hours drag on, during which time Hanada is getting just EXTREMELY sweaty. The clock strikes 3 and a recording comes on that says: “This is how Number One works. You are nervous. You are tired. Your destiny is closing in. He tires you and then kills you” over and over.
Hanada, delirious from exhaustion shouts, “Who is Number One?!” and puts a thin, hard headband over his forehead.
Number One arrives in a tux and shoots Hanada. The headband stops the bullet and although he collapses, Hanada is able to shoot Number One back. They exchange fire with Hanada in the ring and Number One somewhere unknown in the dark. Hanada is shot and falls out of the ring.
Number One dies.
Hanada, shot in the neck, yells “I am Number One!” over and over.
Misako, in crutches and burn wraps from head to toe, enters the gym. Hanada shoots and kills her instinctively.
He yells, “I am Number One!” one more time and falls out of the ring.
The End.
Have you ever been obsessed with something? Have you ever been consumed by a thing or a thought, usually for a good reason to start, but then after a while the reason gets lost in the sea of the obsession itself? I think with the world at our fingertips, we don’t have to obsess about something for as long as we used to, but if you’re committed, there’s certainly something.
I think this movie is a perfect example of what that type of singular focus can do. At no point was it ever clear why these hitmen were turning on each other or why the rank was so important or what the rank meant. Hanada was always resigned to the “kill or be killed” mentality. When Number One admits he killed the boss Yabuhara, he simply says, “things happen.” This focus on being a killer negates even the need for interrogating that focus.
But, wherever you go, there you are. Hanada could never escape his obsession with being Number One, to the point where it not only killed him but it also killed the current reigning Number One and Misako, who at the time was an innocent bystander. And all I can think is, not only are both Number Ones now dead, but whoever was next in line just slides right in and the cycle continues like a conveyor belt of meaningless dreams of status1 and, well, pain.
Next up is Tokyo Drifter, a 1966 film from the same director. I’m excited to see how much fun he can pack into a mere 83 minutes this time! Join me!
XOXO,
Steph
I have never and would never say that Yakuza dreams are meaningless.