Hey buddies,
I was recently featured (again, for some reason!) on the Substack home page and got an influx of new readers! So, welcome back to my longtime subscribers (love u) and welcome to my new ones (love u too)!
There’s a bit of beautiful irony to welcoming people to the Criterion Cure party this week because I’ve taken the longest hiatus I’ve ever taken from this project and am about to take an even bigger one.
The thing IS I’m 9 months pregnant. Thank you so much.
What that has meant is I’ve been what I would call inconsolably tired for a month and also very much preoccupied with preparing and planning to be in charge of another person. It’s a lot! I also can *imagine* that actually taking care of said person is going to be a lot and this here little movie project will be put on hold for a while.
The good news is I’m pretty much done prepping and planning and have entered “let go and let god” mode where I may just have time to slam back a bunch of Criterions so as to have a backlog of dispatches! We will see. That’s the thing with pregnancy and parenthood and life in general, huh? It’s a big “we will see!”
I hope whenever these little asinine newsletters pop in your inbox next, they bring you a few moments of joy of knowing YOU don’t actually have to watch all these movies in order until you die.
Thank you for being here.
#53: Sanjuro
Director: Akira Kurosawa
Country: Japan
Year: 1962
Runtime: 95 minutes
Language: Japanese
**As always, this post contains spoilers**
CW: Violence, death, bloody GIF at the end
I gotta say, I love a sequel. I am NOSY so yes, please always tell me more. And for a film like Yojimbo, a sequel is perfect bc you KNOW Sanjuro was up to his old tricks long after the camera cut. But! To be honest, this was a total standalone movie. It’s a bonus to know how cool Sanjuro the character is before this movie, but ya don’t need it.
Okay so this movie starts with 9 samurai sitting around in a circle talking about some deeply confusing bureaucratic gobbledy-goop that I cannot personally discern. I’m sorry for that, but I also am intuiting that it’s maybe not so important to know all the details? Basically what’s happening is one of the samurai’s uncles, Mutsuta, is a corrupt “lord chamberlain” (idk what that is) and will not support the samurai in their quest for SOMETHING. But that the “superintendent” (are we in a high school or a medieval court orr what?), Kikui, is supportive of their efforts, whatever they may be.
I am going to refer to them as the Chamberlain and the Superintendent from here on out because that’s how they refer to them in the movie. So: the Chamberlain is not on their side. The Superintendent is on their side.
Also, I need you to know that the bald cap game is the best it’s ever been. They look great. Practically seamless.
And THEN, as though he never left, our MF’n boy, Sanjuro (Toshiro Mifune), walks in to this meeting! Why he is there is never explained but he walks in holding a sword which I think negates an explanation. He looks rough but as we know, that’s when he looks the best.
The other samurai are on guard and not into this visit. And, of course, Sanjuro is here to stir the pot by telling them straight up that the Superintendent is actually NOT to be trusted. They tell him “shut up, bum!” which is not nice.
But wouldn’t you know Sanjuro was right! As he’s trying to convince them not to trust the Superintendent, they look outside and they are about to be ambushed by a BUNCH of his men.
Sanjuro hides the 9 samurai in the floorboard, lets the Superintendent’s men in, and proceeds to single-handedly kill enough of them that they decide to leave. One of the leaders of the pack, Hanbei Muroto (Tatsuya Nakadai), realizes Sanjuro’s talent and tells him to come talk to him if he wants to work as a samurai for the Superintendent.
Also, the actor who plays Muroto played Unosuke, the gun freak in Yojimbo, and I find that to be a very bold move in a sequel. Granted, he has a different hair style in this one, but his face is the same soooooo…
The 9 samurai are super grateful to Sanjuro for saving their lives and pay him at his request.
Sanjuro realizes that this attempted ambush probablyyyy means the Chamberlain (the Superintendent’s enemy) is in danger. The samurai agree and rush to the Chamberlain’s house.
When they arrive, they run into a very distraught woman who tells them the Chamberlain has been kidnapped by the Superintendent’s men and his wife and daughter are being held prisoner by 14 or 15 men. Remember, the Chamberlain is one of the samurai’s uncles so it’s PERSONAL.
Sanjuro suggests this woman get the guards drunk on sake so they’ll be easier to defeat. He also calls her a samurai and says she’s more reliable than anyone and I love that.
The plan works and Sanjuro and the samurais are able to rescue the Chamberlain’s wife (Takako Irie) and daughter, Chidori (Reiko Dan). They hide in a barn full of hay. The two women lay in the hay and talk about how nice it smells and I could not agree more. You ever have a smell craving? It is November; I’m sure I could get my face in a hay bale somewhere.
Two of the samurai return with one of the Chamberlain’s guards as a prisoner to hopefully get information about the Chamberlain’s whereabouts, but he won’t talk. Sanjuro suggests they kill him, to which the Chamberlain’s wife replies, “Killing people is a bad habit.” She criticizes him for being too sharp, too much like a naked sword without its sheath. “Good swords are kept in their sheaths,” she says. Poetry!
They get the women to an empty house near the Chamberlain’s compound and discuss what to do next. The Superintendent is informed that the wife and daughter have been freed. They are bummed but they realize it’s okay as long as the Chamberlain doesn't know so they can still use that as collateral. Truuuue truuuuue.
Sanjuro, who is eating a steamed bun, and the samurai continue to strategize. It’s a lot of talking. Honestly, it might be too much talking.
The 9 samurai witness three palanquin leaving the Superintendent’s residence. A palanquin is something that you probably don’t know the name of, but you definitely know what it is. It’s one of those fancy boxes you put fancy people inside and then is carried by people. I’ll just add a photo here:
ANYWAY what is this, SCHOOL? So the samurai assume they’re moving the Chamberlain to a different location in the palanquin. Sanjuro, lounging on a bench after just waking up, tells them it’s probably a trick because the Superintendent’s men know they’re being watched.
They decide to follow the palanquin. Sanjuro thinks this is a bad idea but that it will “keep me awake” so he agrees. The samurai decide to attack the group, but Sanjuro tries to stop them.
Then something happens where a bunch of dudes show up on horseback and are accused of being some of Chamberlain’s men and then the Superintendent’s men show up and I honestly don’t know what happened but Sanjuro calls the samurai fools and they leave. Sanjuro was right because the palanquin was a trick to try to lure out whoever is watching them. Doesn’t work!
Sanjuro and the samurai sit in a room together, contemplating what now seems like an inevitable battle. Sanjuro says something about how Muroto (the Superintendent’s lead man) offered him a job and walks out. Not GREAT communication because now the samurai think he is probably a traitor. They decide to follow him to be sure.
Sanjuro and Muroto meet and Muroto confesses that his master, the Superintendent, is actually the bad guy.
He serves him so as to eventually usurp him. Spicy! They decide to join forces, but as they’re walking, they realize they’re being followed by the samurai. The Chamberlain's nephew attacks Sanjuro and Sanjuro kills him along with the other three. YIKES. They capture and tie up the other four samurai.
Three of the superintendent’s guards are sent out for some reason and Sanjuro volunteers to go with them. He kills them and then comes back to Muroto and tells him they were attacked. Muroto leaves to look for more enemies, thinking a bigger attack is probably on its way. With Muroto, the head of the clan, gone, Sanjuro kills all the guards and frees his four samurai friends. But not before slapping them and telling them it’s their fault he had to kill all those guards!
Sanjuro asks the samurai to tie him up before they leave to make it look like someone else attacked and killed everyone. Muroto returns to the scene and tells Snajuro he can’t recommend him for the samurai job because he’s clearly a loser. Honestly, fair.
Twist alert: all of the samurai are still alive! They fake-died in their fights with Sanjuro. I don’t *completely* get this, but the important thing is that they are all back together again and Sanjuro thinks they’re all idiots.
The Chamberlain’s wife and daughter, being delicate and beautiful by a stream, notice a piece of paper floating in the water that flows from the Superintendent’s house. It turns out it belongs to the Chamberlain: it has his signature and a blood signature on it. This confirms to the samurai that the Chamberlain is next door and is sending them signals to rescue him. Of course, Sanjuro is like, Hold UP, DING-DONGS, this, too is a set up. The Superintendent’s men are all over that place. Which they are.
Sanjuro’s idea is to tell Muroto that the men looking to rescue the Chamberlain are somewhere else, gathered and ready for a battle. The idea is that Muroto doesn’t know how many men that is, will assume it’s a lot, and send all of his men to this battle, leaving the house that Chamberlain is captured in totally empty. Then the samurai can raid it. Once the men have abandoned the compound for this fake battle, Sanjuro will send a bunch of camellia flowers downstream to alert the samurai it’s time to rescue the chamberlain. (I am so proud of myself for following this storyline.)
Sanjuro meets with Muroto and tells him to gather his men at a nearby temple for battle. Muroto says, okay cool, wanna go with us? And Sanjuro says, oh so I totally would but I haven’t eaten today and I can’t fight on an empty stomach so I’m actually just going to grab lunch. And Muroto just says, okay, laterrr.
After everyone is gone, Sanjuro frantically gathers camellia flowers to send down stream to alert the samurai it’s time to rescue the Chamberlain. Unfortunatellyyyyy Muroto had not actually left, sees Sanjuro doing this weird thing, and ties him up at sword-point, knowing he’s up to no good.
Additionally, some of Muroto’s men realize that Sanjuro was lying about the temple because he described it wrong. Muroto leaves to gather his men to return. While he’s gone, the smartest man in the world, Sanjuro, convinces the remaining of Muroto’s men to send the camellia flower signal downstream to the waiting samurai.
They see the signal and the 9 samurai storm the compound before Muroto returns. He is v embarrassed to find he got got again.
The Chamberlain, Mutsuta (Yūnosuke Itō), who we see for the very first time, is freed and returns to his position. The Superintendent has, sadly, taken his own life. The Chamberlain thanks the samurai for their service. But Sanjuro is nowhere to be found. The samurai run out looking for him. They find him on a road about to have a duel with Muroto, who is pissssssed. Sanjuro tries to tell him to chill out, but Muroto tells him, I will never feel at peace until you are dead.
And then they stare at each other for 3 minutes before Muroto pulls his sword on Sanjuro and Sanjuro immediately kills him and there is a cartoonish spray of blood from Muroto’s chest.
Sanjuro is SO MAD he had to kill this guy because I think he has murder fatigue. “‘I’m in a bad mood,” he tells the 9 samurai.
He adds, pointing to a dead Muroto, “He was exactly like me. A sword without his sheath. You’d better stay in yours.” And walks away.
They try to follow him and he says if they do, he’ll kill them. They kneel and bow to him to which he says, “Bye!”
THE END
I have said it before and I’ll say it again: I will watch Toshiro Mifune in anything. I find him so hot and compelling and good looking and dynamic and so hot and I just think he’s great. I DO think out of the two movies that Yojimbo had a little more juice to it. This one was a lotttt of talking. It sometimes felt like watching someone read a set of instructions whereas Yojimbo felt more like watching someone actually build the furniture. But overall, a solid samurai movie!
Up next is something completely different: an American documentary! It is called For All Mankind and is one of my absolute favorites. It’s about NASA’s Apollo program and uses (I think) all original audio and video from that time and it is very beautiful. For this one, I am going to have a special guest watcher with me: my dad, who is the biggest space nerd and one of my favorite people. See you there!
XOXO,
Steph
not the greatest review sorry.