#41: Henry V
Hey bubs,
Here’s another recipe we liked this week—just add salt!
Also, Happy Pesach and Happy Easter!
#41: Henry V
Director: Laurence Olivier
Country: United Kingdom
Year: 1944
Runtime: 137 minutes
Language: English
**As always, this post contains spoilers**
CW: Death, violence
When I was in college getting my B.A. in Literature (shocking, I know), I had a lit professor named Dr. Loesberg. He was a smarty and a hard-ass and he once said something I have never forgotten: you can’t simultaneously dislike something and believe it’s high quality. He called bullshit on the “I get why people like it, but it’s not for me” stance. Dr. Loesberg’s take was something I parroted for years after because I was scared of him and sometimes when I’m scared of someone I conflate that with them being right about everything and I thought it was a subversive thought that made me sound interesting. But I didn’t agree with it and still don’t!
There are all sorts of things I don’t like but can accept are “good” for what they are: berry + chocolate combo, massages, and Keeping Up With The Kardashians, for instance.
I also (bravely) add Shakespeare to this list. Here’s the THING. Shakespeare was a true genius. Writing that still applies to humanity 400 years later is no small feat. And if you’re at all interested in English literature, then of course you need to read him. I also give you the heartiest permission to not care about it. Love and respect to Mr. Shakespeare, but I truly never have to listen to or read his work ever again in my life unless it is Romeo + Juliet because I have a chronic, viral Leonardo Dicaprio nostalgia that could make anything he’s in palatable.
This is all to say, I knew going in that this movie was going to be rough for me. What I didn’t know was that it was going to be FUN because of how much Josh and I hated it. Let’s go!
Firstly, I saw this DVD menu:
And said, “I can’t do this.”
It begins with a title card acting as a playbill that reads:
The Chronicle History of King Henry The Fift with his battell fought at Agincourt in France
by Will Shakespeare
The way the words “fifth” and “battle” are spelled caused me to unravel immediately.
I’m going to be completely up front with y’all. I didn’t know what was going on for about 90% of this movie. It’s in Shakespeare’s English, half of it is a PLAY so it’s mostly talking and, well, I mostly looked for Instant Pot recipes and texted my best friend about skincare.
The conceit of the movie is this: it’s a stage performance of Shakespeare’s Henry V in 1600 at the famous Globe theatre. And Henry V is just about Henry V, King of England in the 1400s, and his quest to become the King of France. There are battles and everyone is dressed like assholes. I really, really hate everything everyone is wearing. But I also think that about 95% of styles from history so maybe people are just assholes all the time and it is a privilege to be able to look back on the past and cry asshole and we can never know what specific type of asshole we are presently?
Josh says, “Can you imagine going back in time and not laughing your ass off at everything you see?” NO I CAN’T.
The play starts with a narrator, called the Chorus (Leslie Banks), who is wearing an earring I quite like, actually.
It was now that I realized Josh was also struggling because he said, “I feel like I’m on acid. That guy looks like Richard Simmons.” And then, “They’re adult men pretending.” Josh has a hard time with acting sometimes, especially when it involves people in outrageous costumes demanding to be taken seriously. I’m so sad there aren’t very many stills from this part of the movie!
Henry V (Laurence Olivier), the Archbishop of Canterbury (Felix Aylmer), and another Bishop (Robert Helpmann, who has literal bozo hair) are having a conversation.
The bishops are trying to convince Henry of something, but I don’t know what.
A gift from a French duke arrives. It’s tennis balls. OOOOHHHHHHH!!! I don’t get this at all! But it’s a roast of some kind. Henry says well guess WHAT I’m going to take over France so joke’s on you!
Then it starts to rain and there was no roof on the globe so ya just got wet, I guess.
Josh leaves (very notably without requesting me to pause), comes back, says, “I need a stiff drink to get through this,” and reveals a box of Oops! All Berries.
Three scampy men with swords are antagonizing each other about something. They’re just yelling!! A lot!!
Now we’re going to Southampton where Henry declares, again, that France will be his. His fleet of ships take off. I have to say that Laurence Olivier is GORGEOUS even in this heinous haircut.
Back at wherever we were before, an old guy (again with bozo hair) dies in his bed and the three scamps with swords and some lady gather to grieve for him. This is never revisited.
The narrator appears in a smoke cloud and we see the fleet approaching France. King Charles VI of France (Harcourt Williams) is SO stressed out knowing England is on their way. A messenger from England is basically like, just FYI this is going to get bad, so maybe you should surrender. And the King says give me a SEC goddamn.
This scene (like all of them) was really long and Josh and I just talked about what celebrities they all looked like (Alice Cooper + Angela Lansbury), (Alec Baldwin + Jimmy Fallon).
Henry shows up on a horse and gives a speech to his army.
Some Scottish and Irish soldiers and one English get together and complain (I’m guessing, based on general tone and body language).
We meet Princess Katherine of France (Reneé Asherson). I know this because she’s speaking French and there are no subtitles. She’s in a flower garden with one of her servants (??) who’s teaching her English.
Later, the French royalty eat dinner and I’ll never get over their hair. Oops! All Bowl Cuts.
Henry and his army meet the French army in a field. They just talk to each other very sternly.
The night before the battle, Henry puts on a cloak to disguise himself and enters the French camp. Hahaha I totally forget that people had no idea what anyone looked like back then so this is actually a very plausible solution! However, he uses the name Henry Laroi which is like...alright dude. He’s gone undercover because he wants to gossip with the French to hear what they think about him as their new possible king. Also, his leg armor was so fitted I thought he was wearing American Apparel silver leggings.
The next day is the big battle day! Henry gives another impassioned speech and everyone prepares for battle.
Part of this prep includes lowering a knight in full armor onto a horse with a full pulley system which was remarkable.
England’s archers (who are wearing shorts) release a flurry of arrows onto the French army.
But as they’re charging, the French and their horses get stuck in the mud.
It’s a mess. In retaliation, some of the French noblemen go to the English camp and kill all the boys. Henry is NOT happy and kills one of the French noblemen (??) in personal combat.
Obviously, the English won the battle. Henry arrives at the French castle to discuss peace with the King and meet Princess Katherine. He, noticing she is pretty, asks her to come with him to England and she agrees.
We return to the set of the play. Katherine and Henry marry. The audience claps.
The End.
I read a tiny bit about Henry V after this and y’all...he died of dysentery before he even took the crown. All of this: The fighting, the yelling, the horses stuck in the mud. The play written about it. The movie written based on the play. And then the 2 hours and 15 minutes of my real life watching it and this guy didn’t even get to be king. 😩
The only way out is through, friends, and we DID that. Anyway, please email me if you’ve ever watched this movie for pleasure. I have questions. Namely, Who do you think you are?
TL;DR: I’d rather be sleepin’.
Next up is something completely different: a TV show! It’s called Fishing with John and it’s an interview show where musician John Lurie interviews other famous White guys like Tom Waits and Willem Dafoe while they fish from a canoe. See you there!
XOXO,
Steph